Some Wounds Never Heal
by coldfusion9797
Summary: Whilst recovering after the fall of SHIELD, Steve learns that Brock is still alive. And he's determined to get some answers. Cap/Rumlow.


**AN: Found this old thing in my drafts. It's just some more Cap/Rumlow ponderings...**

Sam's a good friend. Probably the one person Steve has left that he can count on. He sits by Steve's hospital bed and talks to him. Keeps him company mostly, but fills him in on the clean-up progress too. Today's report includes the fact that the casualty list has been finalised, it's long, and Steve doesn't know where to begin with how he feels about that. A lot of agents died but how many of them were HYDRA? Sam keeps talking and the details begin to blur until he hears a certain name.

"Rumlow survived. He's in the burns unit. Totally fried I heard."

Brock's alive? Steve's heart races, whether that's because something he thought was gone forever isn't, or because he'll have the chance to kill him himself, he can't say, but what he does know is that it means answers. He grips the bed rails, pulls himself up, isn't sure whether the rushing noise is in his head or being forced through his lips by his lungs.

"Steve?" Sam's voice cuts through the rising tide of emotion. He looks confused, and rightly so. Steve knows he shouldn't still care about the person who betrayed him so completely, but he can't help the way he feels.

"I wanna see him."

"Steve, I don't-"

"Now!"

He fumbles with the rail for a second, can't figure it out quick enough and snaps it clean off. It clatters to the floor with what's left of his rationality.

"Alright, okay," Sam agrees, going for a wheelchair.

"I don't need that," Steve argues, throwing the sheet back. They're wasting time.

"Let's at least pretend we're trying to follow the doctor's orders."

"Fine." He doesn't really care, as long as he gets where he wants to go, and when he climbs out of the bed, he has to admit that he is still recovering, the grabbing pain in his gut reminds him of that. Super soldier or not, bullets hurt.

The lift takes forever to go up two floors. The doors slide open and Sam steers him towards the desk, but when Steve looks down the corridor and spots two guards, there's no need to ask.

"There," he says, pointing to the second door on the right.

Sam drops the name 'Captain America' and sweet talks the guys into letting them in for a quick visit. The guards seem to think they won't need more than a minute. Steve isn't so sure.

Inside, the room is silent, except for a steady beep and the swoosh of a respirator. There's no way to know the mummy-wrapped body on the bed belongs to Brock except to believe the name tag on the wall above.

"Holy shit..." Sam breathes out. Steve's heard enough about the battle to know this very nearly could've been Sam's fate as well.

In the face of this pitiful sight, all Steve's tension drains away. There are no answers here, and he's left feeling nothing but hollow.

"Do you want a minute?" Sam asks. Not because he knows exactly what Brock meant to him, nobody except the two of them and Rollins knew that, but he knows that trust was broken and that Steve needs to deal with it.

But how is he supposed to do that now?

"Yes."

Sam gives his shoulder a squeeze and leaves the room. Steve inches the chair as close to the bed as he can.

Alone, just the two of them, the first thing that hits Steve is regret. It might be silly, but Brock was handsome, virile, oozing with charisma, and now that's all gone. He already misses that confident swagger, those cocky grins, that commanding body.

He shakes his head, he's being an idiot. _It wasn't real... It wasn't real... It wasn't real..._

Still, his hands itch to reach out, to feels Brock's skin, but he's covered in bandages, 'totally fried' Sam had said. How the hell did it all come down to this?

A nurse bustles into the room.

"Oh," she says, a little flustered, hand flitting to her throat like she hadn't expected to find him right here. "He's a friend of yours?"

Steve sighs.

"He was."

"Don't give up. He's in an induced coma for now but he will wake up again. You just have to be patient."

She gives him a smile and he knows she means well. He wonders what she thinks the guards are for? Or what she's actually been told for that matter. It's just funny to think that there are people out there who are basically unaware of SHIELD and HYDRA and the battle between them. Steve wonders what that would be like, every aspect of his life has been defined by it for years.

"It's okay if you want to talk to him," she offers. "It's quite likely he can hear you."

He thanks her because he doesn't know what else to do. She finishes her obs and returns the clipboard to the end of the bed.

"I'll leave you alone for a minute. But I'm right outside if you need anything."

Somehow, he manages a little smile for her. It is after all, for sweet people like her that he fights so hard to keep the world safe and free. Then it's like his fingers have a mind of their own, creeping across the hospital sheets, seeking out that place they used to belong. He's only conscious of it when he makes contact, and instead of pulling away like he should, he lets them curl around Brock's bandaged hand.

He wonders if she's right about the talking thing, if Brock would know he's here. There are a million things he could say, about pain and broken trust and betrayal so deep it makes him feel like he can't breathe.

What comes out his mouth is none of that though. It's sad and pointless, but he says it anyway.

"I wish I'd known. I wish I'd had the chance to talk you out of it. I wonder if you would've listened?"

xxx

It's only a few days later when he finds out attempts to wake Brock have been successful. He manages to walk this time, slowly and surely gets himself all the way to Brock's bedside. This time, the scene isn't much different, just the absence of the respirator.

The same nurse is there, he checks her name tag this time. Sharon. Really? Is this one a SHIELD agent too?

"I thought they said he was awake?"

"He's not in a coma anymore, but he's on a lot of pain medication. It makes him sleep which is a blessing. Burns can be incredibly painful."

_Yes, they can._

"Can I wait?"

"Sure," she allows.

Steve's just beginning to wonder if he should pick up a pillow and use it to finish this, put them both out of their misery, when Brock starts to stir. Steve takes a step back. Can he really face this? Maybe he should just go, he feels too conflicted right now.

"Brock?" the nurse says, leaning over him and checking his eyes, about the only part of him that's visible. "How are you feeling?"

"Like a building fell on me," he rasps out.

"How's the pain?"

"A fitting reminder."

"You want more meds?"

"No."

Steve's fighting a silent battle when suddenly the attention is on him.

"I have something that might help," she offers. "Your friend Steve is here to see you. He's been very worried about you."

Steve's not sure that's strictly true. At least not for the reasons she thinks.

She gives him an encouraging smile, as though this is the thing he's been waiting for.

"I'll be back after I do my rounds," she says, and then she's gone and it's just the two of them.

Brock can't really move much, apart from a slight turn of his head, slide of his eyes and of course his mouth. His voice is low and wheezy, but the obvious struggle doesn't stop him talking, there was never much that could shut Brock up.

"Well I gotta say, you are the last person I expected to see here. Unless you've come to finish the job..." That's a little too close for comfort.

Unbelievably Brock manages to twist up the right side of his mouth, forming something that's supposed to be a smile.

"It's not a joke, Brock..."

"Don't I know it," he agrees, wincing with pain. "What happened to you?" he asks, taking in the fact that Steve's obviously a patient too. "I didn't know you could get hurt."

God, that's the statement of the century. Steve chokes out a laugh. The bullet holes are nothing compared to the sharp, squeezing pain in his chest.

"Is that why you did it?"

Brock gives him an exasperated look, as far as he can manage. It's only because Steve knows him so well that he can tell.

"I told you it was nothing personal."

That makes Steve mad.

"When you say-" he begins, before stopping and checking himself, lowering his voice so no one else will hear. "When you say you love someone, that kinda makes it personal. Or was that a lie too?"

Brock closes his eyes and lets out a shaky breath.

"Does it even matter now?"

"I wanna know just how stupid I really am."

Brock's eyes open again and fix on Steve.

"No. That part wasn't a lie."

Steve hadn't been sure what to expect but this it makes it worse, not better. Betraying a team member is one thing, but doing this to the person you love? It takes a real monster to do that. How could he have misjudged Brock so badly? What the hell is he even doing here?

"Well I hope you're feeling better soon. They can't lock you up soon enough."

xxx

Brock had never been overly vocal with assurances and comfort, but Steve had known he was always there. After a tough mission, or when the nightmares were real bad, Brock never said much of consequence, but he was there, a safe place to come back to. It disgusts him now to think about it. How could he have been so blind?

It hurts too, so much, and he wants Brock to know that. At least that's what he tells himself when he finds himself in Brock's room again.

"Come to admire what's left of my face?" Brock taunts. Maybe it should be a comfort, that despite the fact that Steve's world has been turned upside down, at least Brock's still the same. Still cocky and arrogant. Or maybe, it just pisses him off. "Bandages come off today."

Steve has no intention of staying to witness that.

"I just have a few things left to say."

"Of course you do," Brock replies sarcastically. It frustrates Steve no end. If Brock can't realise the seriousness of the situation after everything that's happened so far, what would it take to really make him stop and think? And why does Steve need him too?

"Do you have any idea what you've done?"

"I've got a fair idea, yeah," Brock says, hissing with pain as he tries to adjust his position.

"See," Steve argues, resisting the ridiculous urge to help his betrayer. "I don't think you do."

Apart from betraying his country and letting fellow agents down, Brock has broken Steve's heart. But even that isn't the worst of it. Not loving someone is one thing, but having no respect for them? That cuts in a different way because it's a choice.

"You know what hurts the most? You knew about Bucky. You knew he was my friend and you let HYDRA do that to him. Let them use him against me."

Brock understood, Steve knew he did, he'd been there during enough nightmares to know exactly what Bucky meant to him.

"It's not like I had a say in it. Pierce called all the shots."

"You could've told me. Taken my side. Helped me help him."

"Ignored orders?"

"Some things are more important."

"You're not the only one whose suffered. I lost people too. I ever tell you Jack was the one that put a bullet in bin Laden?"

That pulls Steve up short because it's so unexpected.

"No..." he frowns.

"I coordinated the op, but he was the guy. And you know what it changed? Nothing. But Pierce had real ideas about peace and order. What'd you ever do but front USO shows and tidy up after Fury?"

"We're not debating whose right and wrong."

"No? What are we talking about then?"

_That you should have put me first._

Steve doesn't get a chance to reply though. The doctor shows up and asks him to leave.

"No, it's fine," Brock says, staring at him defiantly. "He can stay."

It's a challenge, to see if he's brave enough to face what he's done. Well no one ever accused Steve Rogers of being a coward.

He crosses his arms, sets his jaw and watches in silence as the medical staff do their work. Slowly and surely they peel the bandages back, every inch revealing a mess of mangled flesh. It's horrific, he wants to turn away, but he forces himself not to react.

Brock fixes a calculating look on him.

"Am I still pretty?"

His immediate instinct is to say yes, appearances don't matter to him, they never did. Of course he appreciated that Brock was handsome, but it isn't why he loved him. What he'd loved was his honour, his courage, his loyalty. All lies. He'd also loved the way Brock treated him like an equal, never made him feel like a freak. But whenever he thinks he might be able to forgive him one day, all he has to do is think of Bucky and he knows that he never can. How could he ever love someone who stood by and let that happen?

He levels his gaze at Brock and doesn't give a shit who's listening. Brock needs to understand that he'll find no solace here.

"You never were."

xxx

He's his own worst enemy, he knows it. His physical injuries have healed but he still finds himself back at the hospital every day.

"Why the hell do you keep coming back here?" Brock asks as Steve helps him shuffle along the parallel bars. "Don't you trust the PD boys on the door?"

Steve decides to be honest, it can't hurt worse than it already does.

"I loved you and I can't let it go."

Brock stops, looks at him carefully.

"What does that mean?"

"I don't know." Maybe it doesn't mean anything. "Nothing probably." Maybe he's just creating his own kind of exposure therapy, facing the thing that hurts, until he's so saturated he can't feel the pain anymore. He knows what they had never meant anything to Brock. "About the same as what I meant to you."

Brock rolls his eyes, and motions for Steve to help him into a chair. Why does he keep expecting he'll find any sympathy here?

Silence falls between them, eventually Brock's the one that breaks it, looking uncharacteristically pensive when he does.

"What would you have said?"

"When?"

"Back then. If you'd known before. How would you have talked me out of it?"

Steve remembers asking this question the first time he visited, when Brock was unconscious.

"You heard that?"

"I thought it was a dream, but the nurse said you'd been coming by."

It's a tough question and hindsight is a marvellous thing.

Steve takes a deep breath and lets it out slow. What would he have said? Back then if he'd discovered Brock's secret on a quiet night just the two of them, rather than when it was already too late?

"I guess it would've come down to a question. Whether or not I was worth abandoning your cause for, but obviously I wasn't. The only thing I can think of is that I didn't let you know how I felt. Maybe if I'd told you just how much I loved you, you might've seen it all differently."

For once Brock doesn't make a joke of it.

"You could tell me now."

Steve shakes his head. Even after everything that passed between them, all the lies and betrayal, it still hurts to say this.

"It's not the same anymore."

Brocks nods, finally accepting that his actions had all kinds of consequences. But he's a fighter, something Steve had loved that about him. Now though, it makes him dangerous in a different way.

"You know, I could say the same about you. If I'd asked you to choose me over the mission, would you have?"

The question jars Steve, he's never looked at it that way, but he knows what the answer is.

"No." _Because you let them hurt Bucky._ "I was on the right side."

"For people who believe in freedom. What about the ones who believe in peace?"

"You can't justify what you've done. It doesn't matter what you say, I will never be able to forgive it. Nothing you say can ever make this right."

"You really mean that?"

The fight drains out of Steve because he realises that he does. So this what it's like to witness the end of a war, he thought it would feel more satisfying.

"Yeah," he sighs. "Yeah, I do."

xxx

The next time he visits, Brock is gone.

**AN: Had to sneak a little Zero Dark Thirty reference in there. Thanks for reading :)**


End file.
